1 Year of Lilith Worship Musick

1 year ago on this blessed (or accursed) 4/20 I released LILITH WORSHIP MUSICK to the public. A horrifying symphony of my elder work reanimated, chopped apart and then put back together again; LWM was an attempt to articulate what was until then impossible for me to, and to showcase the best parts of my work. The music was produced over a rather lengthy period, but a period which mostly intersected my friendship with [ANONYMIZED] and the psychosis which followed.

I spent a lot of time divorced from my body; stuck in my mind trying to journey anywhere but where I was. I obsessively played Yume Nikki and read Subarashiki Hibi; I also obsessed over rituals and the sacrality of self-harm. I attempted astral projection on many occasions and tried to divorce my mind from my body. While I would and could not call (all) these things inherently unhealthy or simply delusions, I was treating them improperly and without maturity and therefore faced consequences. I was plagued with paranoia, hallucinations, and I was ripped out of magick; I still have yet to totally recover. These things happened explicitly because of the way I was introduced into magickal practices by [ANONYMIZED]. She sent me O9A and TOB documents in response to my questions about magick and would regularly send me pictures of her mutilating herself for fun and for ritual practice. Still going through these intense mental pains, I was made to write and help publish the first document on [ANONYMIZED] and then was later convinced to write another by a (semi-)anonymous individual interested in researching the O9A. I was never super proud of them, being obviously disoriented.

I had previously released a large number of songs featured on the tape, but had become bored with the way they were presented. I decided to try my hand at spinning these songs anew and supplementing them with additional work in order to create something I could finally feel proud of. In fact, 11 days before I released LWM I released the (probably) more acclaimed EP renich viasa avage lilith lirach; an EP cataloging some songs I had made around the same time. I tend to consider the EP as a more juvenile attempt whilst the album more closely achieved the feelings I wanted to encapsulate (despite loving both).

With LWM I wanted to do my best to portray the dark realms I had visited, the pain I had endured, and how I could do even better unchained. I took to reclaiming the hexD sound as well as my adoration for Lucifer and Lilith (something [ANONYMIZED] and I had in common as daughters of the two) for myself. Bitcrushed technohell built from misery and torment and absolutely crushing surge and chthonic breakcore were what I sought for. The feeling of being crushed, battered, suppressed, and ultimately escaping in an equally violent nature was what I wanted. I wanted to express my (often suppressed, despite having been "out" since 11-12) femininity and my devotion to all things daemonic (read: feminine). I wanted my pain to be felt and for only those able to sit through the violence and oddities to hear it through. I wanted to take everything that had been ripped from me back for myself. I wanted, as I have always wanted, to be understood and listened to. I still feel like LWM is my most accomplished work so far. Happy birthday Lilith Worship Musick. I've had quite the time lately. Ave Domina Lilith ⚸.